When Pain Knocks On Your Door

What to do when painful things happen to us, that threaten our self-discipline and everything we worked for?

We're nearing the end of the year, a time when reflection often takes center stage 🙃. In past articles, I’ve explored topics like gratitude, confidence, self-control, and resilience — tools that help us navigate life with positivity. But sometimes life throws us challenges that make these tools feel insufficient or out of reach. Pain sometimes lingers, leaving scars that disrupt our routines and strain our relationships.

Have you ever experienced something that made everything else seem insignificant? Where suddenly those carefully built habits and routines felt impossible to maintain? I've been there more times than I'd like to count.

Today, I want to explore emotional pain: its effects on our body, mind, and discipline; its long-term impact; and how we can work through it to heal and thrive. If you're struggling, I hope this helps. If your pain feels unmanageable, please, PLEASE, seek professional help — you matter and you deserve support.

How Do We Change When We Are in Pain?

Has it ever happened to you that you're too sad to be hungry? Or maybe you've felt so emotionally drained that even getting out of bed feels like climbing a mountain? These aren't just random reactions — they're part of how our entire system responds to emotional pain.

I've been there. For the longest time, I never considered these responses a problem — just my body and mind displaying signs of emotional distress. But recently, while working on improving my habits, I've started paying closer attention to what happens when I'm emotionally hurt. Not to suppress these reactions, but to understand how they affect every aspect of my life, from basic functions like eating and sleeping to more complex ones like maintaining discipline and working toward goals.

What I've discovered is fascinating, and science backs it up. In a nutshell, pain changes both our body and mind in the following ways:

• Physical Changes: Our body enters defensive mode, releasing stress hormones that affect appetite, sleep, and energy levels

• Mental Response: Our brain reorganizes priorities, making it harder to focus on anything else besides the pain

• Connection Needs: Our brain becomes wired to seek comfort in connection, making isolation particularly challenging

• Decision Making: Pain affects brain regions involved in motivation and choices, making even simple decisions feel overwhelming

Let’s take a deeper look into these changes.

Our Body's Response to Heartache

Remember that loss of appetite I mentioned? Or that mountain-climbing feeling just getting out of bed? There's an interesting reason behind these reactions. Our bodies respond to emotional pain almost identically to physical injuries. When emotional pain hits, our bodies go into defensive mode, releasing stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline that affect everything from appetite to sleep patterns¹.

Ever noticed how your stomach feels like it's in knots when you're deeply sad? Studies have shown that emotional pain triggers the same brain regions as physical pain², which explains why heartbreak can literally feel like your chest is hurting. As Dr. Gabor Maté puts it in "When the Body Says No" (paid link):

The physiology of pain is not confined to nerve impulses but involves the entire organism in an intricate web of responses.

This whole-body response isn't random. It's our ancient survival system at work, preparing us for threat just like it would for physical danger³. This is why you might feel physically exhausted after an emotionally draining day, or why your appetite disappears during intense stress. Your body is literally diverting energy to deal with what it perceives as a threat to your survival.

When the Mind Hurts

Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.

C.S. Lewis, “The Problem of Pain”

Lewis understood something profound here: pain demands our attention. And now science helps us understand why. Just as our body shifts into defensive mode during emotional pain, our brain undergoes its own reorganization. Research shows that during emotional distress, our attention span shrinks⁴, and our brain prioritizes processing the pain over everything else. It's like having an emotional radio station playing full blast in your head, making focus impossible.

Studies have found that prolonged emotional pain affects brain regions involved in motivation and decision-making⁵. This explains why making even simple decisions feels overwhelming when we're emotionally wounded. As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk notes in "The Body Keeps the Score" (paid link):

"Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives."

This is why isolation often makes emotional pain worse — our brains are literally wired to seek comfort in connection. When we're emotionally hurt, we become more sensitive to all types of pain⁶. But here's something hopeful: emotional support can actually change how our brain processes pain⁷. Having someone who understands us isn't just comforting — it physically affects how our brain handles the pain.

The Impact of Lingering Pain

While our body and mind's immediate responses to pain serve a protective purpose, sometimes pain stays longer than expected. In these cases, what started as a natural response becomes chronic — so deep that taking it away or dealing with it becomes increasingly difficult. Sometimes it gets so normalized that it doesn't even feel like pain anymore — it just becomes life.

Think of this like running a demanding program on your computer non-stop: eventually, other functions start to slow down or crash. When emotional pain becomes chronic, it affects every aspect of life. Sleep gets disrupted, eating patterns go haywire, and energy levels plummet. Studies show that persistent emotional pain can actually change brain structure, particularly in areas responsible for memory, emotion regulation, and decision-making⁸. It's like your brain gets stuck in 'threat detection mode,' constantly scanning for danger even when you're safe.

Here's where it gets really interesting: prolonged emotional pain can even compromise your immune system⁹. As Dr. Robert Sapolsky puts it in "Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers" (paid link):

"Stress-related disease emerges, predominantly, out of the fact that we so often activate a physiological system that has evolved for responding to acute physical emergencies, but we turn it on for months on end, worrying about mortgages, relationships, and promotions."

The social toll is equally severe. When you're carrying unprocessed emotional pain, it affects all your interactions. Studies show that chronic emotional distress leads to social withdrawal, difficulty maintaining relationships, and increased risk of anxiety and depression¹⁰. It's like wearing dark sunglasses — everything you see gets filtered through that pain.

While there are many other impacts we could explore — perhaps in another article — the key idea is that unresolved pain carries an unnecessary and expensive cost. And speaking of costs, there's one impact we haven't discussed yet, one that's particularly relevant to your self-discipline journey.

How does lingering pain affect our path to mastery?

The Impact of Pain in Discipline

When we're in emotional pain, our brain's control center, the prefrontal cortex, gets overwhelmed. This creates a particular challenge for maintaining discipline, since this same brain region is responsible for self-control and executive function¹¹.

The Stoic philosopher Epictetus tells us:

"Don't demand that things happen as you wish, but wish that they happen as they do happen, and you will go on well."

This wisdom is particularly relevant when we understand what's happening in our brain. Instead of fighting against how pain affects our discipline, we can learn to work with it. Yes, maintaining discipline while carrying emotional pain is like trying to run with weights on your ankles — it's harder, requires more energy, and might slow us down. Understanding this biological reality helps us be more strategic about how we approach discipline when we're hurting.

When this overwhelm becomes chronic, our ability to maintain routines, stick to habits, and make disciplined choices takes a massive hit¹². It's not that we've become lazy or weak; our brain is literally working with reduced resources because it's allocating so much energy to managing the emotional pain.

Studies show that people dealing with chronic emotional distress have significantly lower levels of self-regulation¹³. This explains why even simple tasks like getting out of bed or sticking to a workout routine feel like climbing Mount Everest. While Marcus Aurelius noted that "The pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment," science shows us that this becomes significantly harder when emotional pain becomes chronic¹⁴ — our brain's ability to override emotional responses gets weaker over time.

Here's where it gets interesting: while pain makes discipline harder, building discipline can actually help manage chronic emotional pain. Research indicates that maintaining structured routines and disciplined practices can help regulate emotional responses and improve resilience¹⁵. The key is starting small and being compassionate with yourself while building this upward spiral of discipline and emotional regulation.

How Can We Manage Our Pain?

First, say to yourself what you would be; then do what you have to do.

Epictetus

So far, we've seen how emotional pain affects our entire system, from basic bodily functions to our capacity for discipline.

Understanding how our brain processes pain gives us powerful tools for managing it. Research shows that our brain treats emotional pain similarly to physical injury¹⁶ — and just like physical pain can be eased through support and care, emotional pain responds to connection. When we reach out to people we trust, we activate neural pathways that help regulate our distress. The effect is so powerful that even looking at a photo of a loved one can reduce our experience of pain by up to 44%¹⁷.

By recognizing how pain affects how we approach life, and in consequence important aspects of it like discipline, we can be more intentional about our healing journey. Research shows different ways to manage our pain.

Here are the top 5:

1. Social Connection: You know that feeling when you're down and a good friend just gets it? Turns out there's solid science behind why that helps so much. Studies show that meaningful connections literally change how our brains process emotional pain¹⁸. It's not just about having someone to talk to, but to feeling truly understood and supported.

2. Mindfulness Practice: While connection with others is crucial, we also need tools to manage our internal experience. Learning to observe our pain without getting completely swept away by it is a game-changer. As Jon Kabat-Zinn puts it in "Full Catastrophe Living" (paid link), it's about relating to our pain in a new way, not trying to make it disappear.

3. Self-Compassion: Mindfulness naturally leads us to another crucial practice. This one was tough for me to learn. We're often our own harshest critics when we're hurting. "Life is difficult enough, be kind to yourself," as renowned psychiatrist Dr. Bessel van der Kolk reminds us. That kindness isn't just nice, but necessary for healing.

4. Physical Activity: Once we develop this gentler relationship with ourselves, we can take action in more tangible ways. The ancient Romans had it right: "mens sana in corpore sano" (a healthy mind in a healthy body). Movement isn't just about getting fit; research shows it's one of our most powerful tools for emotional resilience¹⁹. Sometimes a good workout or even just a walk can shift our entire emotional state.

5. Professional Support: Sometimes we need an expert to help us navigate the rough waters. Think of it like having a guide for climbing a mountain — sure, some people might make it up alone, but having someone who knows the terrain makes the journey safer and more manageable. Research consistently shows that therapeutic support significantly improves outcomes when dealing with emotional pain²⁰.

What Happens When We Heal?

Let me start with a powerful example of healing from emotional pain. Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and author of "Man's Search for Meaning” (paid link), endured unimaginable suffering, losing his parents, brother, and pregnant wife in concentration camps. Rather than succumbing to despair, he transformed his pain into purpose. In the camps, he observed that those who found meaning, even in the worst circumstances, showed remarkable resilience. This insight became the foundation for his theory of logotherapy: that finding meaning, not pleasure or power, drives human beings.

After the war, Frankl channeled his trauma into helping others, showing that healing doesn't erase pain but can transform it into a source of strength.

So, how does our body change when we heal from pain? Do we go back to the way we were before?

The short answer is no.

Healing from emotional pain is more like upgrading your operating system than restoring factory settings. When we recover, our nervous system develops new, more sophisticated ways of handling stress²¹. Think about building muscle: you're not just returning to your previous state; you're developing new strength. Our brains create fresh neural pathways, and many people develop what psychologists call "stress inoculation" — an enhanced ability to handle future emotional challenges²².

I've noticed this in myself: situations that used to overwhelm me now feel manageable. The constant fight-or-flight response calms, but instead of returning to baseline, we develop better emotional regulation skills. Research shows that people who successfully navigate emotional healing often develop greater psychological resilience and emotional intelligence²³. These new emotional tools help us handle life's challenges with more wisdom.

Takeaways

Life won't be exempt from pain. Pain will be present throughout our life, and that's ok! But understanding how pain affects us is crucial, especially to understand ourselves and the way we approach self-discipline.

Through this exploration, we've seen how emotional pain directly impacts our brain's control center, the prefrontal cortex. This isn't just about feeling bad; it's about how our brain allocates resources differently, changing our entire approach to daily life. When our emotional resources are drained by pain, everything becomes more challenging — from getting out of bed to maintaining the habits we're trying to build.

Yet this understanding gives us power. By recognizing how pain affects how we approach life, and in consequence important aspects of it like discipline, we can be more intentional about our healing journey. With the right support and tools, this journey often leads us to develop greater resilience and emotional intelligence.

You can manage the pain. And you will heal, you will thrive, and ultimately become stronger.

I'm sure you have had painful moments at some point, so my invitation to you is to reflect on the following:

1. Think of a painful moment you have had in your life.

2. Ask yourself how you feel about it, does it still hurt when you think about that?

3. Ask yourself, what haven't I done that I can do to begin the healing?

4. Let me know in the comments or via DM if this has been helpful to you.

Have a great week!

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